Nut Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday
    to crush a nut.
    Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it
    repeatedly with the powerful modem.
    "I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a
    thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered
    the nut-breaking, 28. 8 V. 34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern
    Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via
    computer with Japanese school children, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he
    believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
    IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical
    solutions to his more...

    Stock Market Dictionary for this year's investor:

    Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

    Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

    Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.

    P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.

    Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.

    Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

    Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

    Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

    Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

    Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

    Market Correction - The day after more...

    Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "Its my nut!"

    The first squirrel said, "Thats not fair! I saw it first!"

    "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

    At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldnt quarrel.

    Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

    Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, Ill take the meat."

    There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man more...

    In English class, the teacher gave the class homework, using the words Chicken, Nut and Bread in a sentence. The next day, the teacher ask if anyone would like to read aloud their sentence. Pablo raised his hand and said "I will". He stood up proudly and read out loud his sentence. "My fader told me, not to put the plastic bag ober your sisters head, because Chicken canNut Bread". Another variation:
    (Submitted via email by Roxychikxx) There were three students: one Japanese, Haole, and Filipino. The teacher asked the students to use the words, "chicken, nut, and bread" in a sentence. The Japanese girl went first. "Last night for dinner my mother cooked us chicken and yummy banana nut bread". "That's good", the teacher replied. Next went the haole boy, "I live on a farm and we raise chickens, and grow nuts to put them into our bread". After that, the teacher asked the Filipino boy to use the words in a sentence. The more...

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