Nine Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies, basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer, he realized that they were all stark naked.
He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn.
The director said, "Yes," and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

10. Cover Trent's eyes and say "Guess who?"

9. Burn Trent in effigy

8. Make farting noises

7. Make beep noises when they curse

6. Two words: silly string

5. Tickle Trent during a more intense song

4. Toss a beanie baby on stage with a note attached saying "Enjoy" when they're singing "Closer"

3. Wear fake nails (nine inches long, of course), and poke everyone-including security

2. Sing stuff by *NSYNC to confuse them

1. Wear a T-shirt that says "I LOVE MARYLIN MANSON!"

There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick, and one with a nine foot dick. The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard. The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the otherperson would get splinters. Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says, "See that girl overthere? Bam. Got her."

During USC's commencement, the President was giving his usual address to the graduating class. While he was giving his address, some people in the back began to chant, "Graduate Bubba, graduate Bubba." After a few minutes, the chant grew so loud that the President could no longer continue with his address. He says, "Alright, I give up. Bubba, come on up here." This really huge offensive lineman comes up on stage. The President asks, "Are you Bubba?" Bubba replies quietly, "Yes sir."
"How long have you been here at USC Bubba?"
"Six years sir."
"Six years and you still haven't graduated?"
"No sir."
"Alright Bubba, I'll tell you what. If you can answer one question correctly, I'll graduate you right here on the spot. Is that fair?"
Bubba once again says in his quiet voice, "Yes sir." So the President then asks him, "Ok Bubba, what's nine times nine?" Bubba more...

What Exactly Is Marriage?"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her,' I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years oldHow Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old"My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years oldConcerning the Proper Age to Get Married"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years oldHow Did Your Mom and more...

A judge asked a defendant, "How many times have you been to jail?"
"Nine, your honor"
"Nine? In that case, I'll have to give you the maximum sentence."
"Don't you give your regular clients a discount? " asked the defendant.