Morning Jokes / Recent Jokes
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles' death quite well.
However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happen, the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean, Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well, mumbled Lucy, "Soon after you left for more...
Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No...not really. I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I piss like a race horse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble taking a crap?" asked the 70-year-old.
"Well, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30 am."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old more...
J" bar, drinking
The Blackeye "Jabu walked into class every morning with a black eye. After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it. Jabu answered, "Our house is very small, Miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep in the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' I say, 'no' and then he hits me and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "When your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning, Jabu comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.
But the day after that Jabu comes back with a black eye again.
"My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?"
He tells her, "Ma'am, Dad asked me again, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started doing... you know...'it' on the bed. Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?' then my mom says, 'Yes, I'm coming. more...
At the zoo a little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Her mom hurriedly explains, "Oh...they're just baking cakes."
The next morning the little girl says, "Mommy, Mommy, you and Daddy baked cakes last night!"
"Um, what makes you think that?" the mother asks nervously.
"Because this morning there was icing all over the couch."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! !"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
HOW I FIRED MY SECRETARY:
Two weeks ago, I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me...
She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday.
I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis more...
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"