Mike Jokes / Recent Jokes

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"Hello, I'm Mike Walrus, and this is 60 Seconds"

"We're here in Hong Kong to bring you a story that may shock and horrify some viewers. This city is a beehive of industry and activity, a monument to free enterprise and commerce, but behind these shops and warehouses, hidden from public view, is the sordid story of a condiment gone terribly wrong.

"I'm talking about duck sauce. You've probably seen or tried it before, those little orange packets tossed in with your Chinese take-out meals. But look closely at them...those little floating bits aren't apricot...they're real duck.

"Yes, it's a tragic tale of waterfowl laid waste, an underground industry that reaps millions of export dollars and is depleting the duck population all around the South China Sea.

"We tracked several shipments of duck sauce to a clandestine factory here, operating under the name more...

Q: What did Mike Tyson say to his girlfriend?
A: I'm EARresistable

Mike and Frank driving on a street, in different
directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars
slammed into each other, head-on. The two men were able
to get out of their cars without any serious injury,
but the cars were totaled.
Before Frank could say anything, Mike said,
"Instead of fighting over whose fault it was,
why don`t we just celebrate that we were able to,
come out alive?"
Frank said, "Yeah, good idea!"
"I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don`t I
pull that out?" suggested Mike. He went around,
and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident.
He gave it to Frank and said, "Here, drink some!"
Frank took the bottle and chugged half of it down.
Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over
to Mike. "Here, you have some!"
Mike passed it back and said,
"Nah, I think I`ll wait until the police get here."

Firaq Gorakhpuri, the doyen of Urdu shairi, is often pestered by aspiring poets to write prefaces for their works. One such poet who was oversure of himself approached Firaq and by way of self-introduction said:' Firaq Sahib, my poems have been published in all the leading Urdu magazines and journals in the country. No doubt you must have read many of them.'
Firaq replied: All these magazines and journals you speak of also carry advertisements of medicines to cure piles; do you expect me to have read all these?' (Incidentally, Firaq suffered from piles and some of his jokes are about the pain they caused him in his fundament.)
Once at a mushaira, while other poets were reciting their compositions, the cord of Firaq's pajama snapped. When his turn came, he proceeded to recite while sitting down. The crowd clamoured.' Please get up and come to the mike.' Firaq stayed glued to his takia and replied,' Khawateen-o-Hazrat (ladies and gentlemen), the cord of my pajama has snapped. more...

NO. 10
Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt. Winner eats all.
NO. 9
This gives new meaning to "box lunch."
NO. 8
Reporter: "Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear?" Holyfield: "What?"
NO. 7
Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled - John Corl, Rochester, N.Y.
NO. 6
What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh? "You gonna eat that?"
NO. 5
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory
NO. 4
Next bout: Tyson vs. Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to referee. To be held in Hungary. Billed as, "The snackfest in Budapest."
NO. 3
How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica? Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.
NO. 2
Slogans for Tys * The T * Da * * Ear-Reconcilable Differences

NO. 1
When interviewed after the fight, Tyson's first remarks were that more...

There was a guy sitting in a bar, just having a normal day, when a someone ran in and said, "Mike! Mike, your house is on fire!" He jumped up, but then he said, "Wait, I live in a trailer."

Then he sat down and someone came running into the room and said, "Mike!Mike, your mom just died." So, he jumped up and started running to the door, but then he said to himself, "Wait, my mom died five years ago."

Then when he sat down, another guy came in and said, "Mike! Mike, you just won the lottery!"

He got up and was running for the door and then he said, "Wait my name is not Mike."

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light more...