Measured Jokes / Recent Jokes

After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander
was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically
performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them
that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three
soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different
parts of the man's body.
The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like
to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles
of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said,
and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome
sum of 7000 pounds.
The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between
the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal
said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of
considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 more...

Life is measured by thought and action, not by time. Avebury

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.

"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.

To which she replied, "You don't think more...

Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.

The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I. Q. s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.

The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, withaverage I. Q. s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how hightaxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.

The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I. Q. s that could barely be measured on any I. Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask more...

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1, 000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72, 000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96, 000.
The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “from the tip of my weenie to my testicles. ”
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old more...

If you wanna be a record breaker...
MOST HORRIBLE DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghan tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm 'very recently attained' bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York.
It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'C*** Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz acheived 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4 in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7 mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a more...

There was a professor who was doing experiments with a frog. He was
teaching a frog to jump. The training went on for a while and finally
when he said, "Jump!" the frog would jump high in the air. He thought
it was time to take some measurements and publish the results.
He started his measurements with a twine, a ruler and a knife. He
placed the frog on a wooden cutting plate and said, "jump." It jumped
and he measured the height it jumped. He wrote in his observation
note book: "Height jumped (with 4 legs): 14 inches. Inference: None."
Then he cut one of the legs of the frog and said jump. It jumped to
a height of 10 inches. Inference: None. Then he cut the next leg, and
measured the height jumped. Because it had only 2 legs the height
jumped was only 5 inches. The he cut one more leg and the frog now
had only one leg. The height jumped was just 1 inch with one leg.
Again the inference was none. Then he more...