Manual Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    How To Become A Redneck

    Hot 4 years ago

    Become a Redneck in 25 Easy Steps: A Manual for Yuppies
    Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
    Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
    Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?
    Well, now you can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
    Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
    Now follow the 25 easy guidelines in our manual!
    Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
    1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching more...

    Dear Tech Support

    Hot 1 week ago

    Dear Tech Support:
    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
    1.0. I soon noticed
    that the new program began unexpected child processing
    that took up a lot of
    space and valuable resources.
    In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
    programs and now
    monitors all other system activity. Applications
    such as Poker Night
    10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, Barhopping 6.9 &
    Racing 3.6 no longer run,
    crashing the system whenever selected
    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
    attempting to run
    my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going
    back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
    the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
    Please help!
    Thanks,
    A Troubled User.
    ______________________________________
    REPLY:
    Dear Troubled User:
    This is a very common problem that men complain about.
    Many people upgrade
    from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
    is just a Utilities more...

    Part 4 - (Opearting Systems)
    ------------------------
    What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid - CP/M after all, is basically
    a toy operating system. Even little old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M.
    Unix is a lot more complicated of course - the typical Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT
    command is called this week - but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't
    do Serious Work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games
    and research papers.
    No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can find and understand the description of
    IJK305I error (s)he just got in h(er)is JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to
    the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs burried in a 6 megabyte core dump without
    using a hex calculator. (I have more...

    Helpdesk 3

    Hot 2 years ago

    These are stories from help desks around the country.

    At 3: 37 a. m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

    ----------------------------------------

    Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
    Customer: "Ok."
    Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
    Customer: "No."
    Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
    Customer: "No."
    Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
    Customer: "Sure, you told me to write' click' and I more...

    Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you
    thousands of years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will
    destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
    Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
    CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE!
    YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND
    TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO
    ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON
    "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
    AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???
    WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE
    SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

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