Investor Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    With apologies to Mr. Roosevelt, good advice for young investor of today is, "Walk softly, but carry a big portfolio."

    The Minnesota Timberwolves are seeking another investor. Preferably one who's spent the last decade without watching the news.

    A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

    Stock Market Dictionary for this year's investor:

    Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

    Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

    Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.

    P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.

    Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.

    Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

    Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

    Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

    Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

    Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

    Market Correction - The day after more...

    Warren Buffett's annual letter to Berkshire Hathaway shareholders, mailed to them today, contains the usual mixture of anecdotes, jokes, admissions of mistakes and wisdom. Buffett says that companies looking at takeovers should beware of what sellers tell them; to illustrate, he tells this tale.
    A man says to a veterinarian: "Can you help me? Sometimes my horse walks just fine and sometimes he limps."
    Replies the vet: "No problem. When he's walking fine, sell him." (Warren Buffett is a famous US investor; probably the most successful investor of all time)
    -- from Adam Starchild
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