Himself Jokes / Recent Jokes

A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.
"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."
The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.
When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would.
At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"
One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very more...

A man claims he shipped himself from New York to Las Vegas via UPS. UPS said they would not comment until between 2pm and 4pm, or tomorrow after 10am.

Once upon a time there was a golden songbird that lived in a beautiful garden. It spent all its days singing the loveliest songs to the honour of its maker and the delight of all the people who heard it.
But the keeper of the garden, who was a foolish and greedy man, coveted the little songster, and one day he made a cunning net in which he snared it. The little bird begged the man to release him and promised to tell him three great secrets if only he would let him go. Now the gardener really was a very greedy man and rubbing his hands together, he eagerly released the bird.
Then the songbird told him it's three great secrets: Never believe all that you hear; Never regret what you have never lost, and never throw away that which you have in your keeping.
The gardener was furious when he heard this and said he had known these so-called' secrets' since he was a little child and shouted that the bird had tricked him. But the songbird quietly replied that if the man had more...

A man went to a psychiatrist to seek some help for depression. As he entered the reception room he noticed two doors marked "Men" and "Women". He went through the door marked "Men.

He then encountered two other doors marked "Extrovert" and "Introvert". He decided that he was an introvert and opened that door. He found himself in a room with two more doors marked "Those Making $40,000 and Over" and "Those Making Less than $40,000."

He knew that he made less than $40,000, so he opened that door. He found himself outside the building.

He loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn’t crazy about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan. So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn’t subject himself to an hour’s wait.
He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck. He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, “Well, I made that one, didn’t I? ’”Sure did, ” the bystander said. “But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock. ”

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for more...

There was a white guy a black guy and an aggie, The white guy said "If I have pizza for lunch one more time i am going to kill myself" The black guy said"If I have corndogs
for lunch one more time I am going to kill myself" Then the aggie said "if I have a ham sandwitch one more time I am going to kill myself" Next Day The white guy looked in his lunch box the went and shot himself. the black guy looked in his lunch box and then shot himself. the aggie looked in his lunchbox and then went and shothimself.
Later that day the police told their wifes the white guys wife said he should of just asked for something diffrent the black guys wife said the samething the aggies wife said I dont know why he shot himself he makes his own lunch!