Helping Jokes / Recent Jokes
A grandmother and her granddaughter were walking down the sidewalk when they come across two dogs having sex.
"What are they doing gramndma"? asks the little girl.
"Well honey, the one on top has hurt his paw and the one on the bottom is carrying him to the vet."
"Figures!" says the little girl.
"What do you mean figures?" asked grandma.
The little girl looks up at her and says, "Well everytime you try to give someone a helping hand, you end up getting screwed!"
Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs while you vacuum.
On summer vacation, Jaime and her son, Andy, went to visit Jaime's Uncle George who owned a nice farm. While there, Uncle George was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, Andy, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.
Uncle George thought to himself: "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees' to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I'll just answer them as best I can."
After he finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to Andy and asked him, "Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?"
"Just one," the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he more...
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Whats a man idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
A Grip, a Producer and a Director were riding to the location in the grip truck and were in a horrible accident. They all died and went to heaven.
When they knocked on the Pearly Gates, St. Peter appeared and asked them who they were and what their occupations were. Then he said, "Listen fellas, I gotta proposition for you... what with all the people there are dying on earth right now, I'm seriously overloaded here. Tell you what - if each of you gives me ten dollars, I'll send you back, and you can live out your natural lives, and come back peacefully, when I'm not so busy."
As soon as the director heard this, he pulled a tenner out of his wallet and handed it to the saint. Shortly thereafter, he came to his senses in the wreckage of the truck, with a policeman there helping to pull him to safety. After getting him out of the wrecked truck and helping him to the side of the road, the policeman asked him what had happened, and the director told him all about the more...