Guide Jokes / Recent Jokes

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South Africa, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. "This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. "Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago."

Guide To Parenthood

Hot 3 years ago

The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin Bowles
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to more...

Guide To Parenthood

Hot 3 years ago

The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest more...

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and travelled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"

While touring Russia the Joneses had a very pleasant walking tour with their guide, Rudolph, until the very end of the day. It began to precipitate, and Mr. Jones said, "It would have to start snowing before we reach the hotel."
"Pardon," said the guide, "but that's not snow: It's rain."
Mr. Jones shook his head. "Sorry, friend, but you're wrong. It's snow."
"Rain," the Russian said confidently.
"Snow."
"Rain, Comrade."
Getting red in the face, Mr. Jones was about to yell at the guide when his wife lay a cautioning hand on his arm.
"Please," she said to Mr. Jones, "control you-self. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

(Like the recent real Polish jokes, there are Mormon jokes told by Mormons.
Some of them you wouldn't get unless you were one, but...)
A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the
various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
"Oh, you don't wan to look down there. That's hell!"
The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys,
verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," he says.
Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.
"Dang!" he snaps, "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
-Craig
...{ucbvax, sun}! pixar! good