BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of more...
A group of genetic scientists post an ad in the local paper. It reads,
"Individual wanted to mate with ape, 5000." The next day a man telephones and agrees to the experiment on three simple conditions.
The scientists are all ears.
"First," says the man, "my wife must never know. second,
the children must have a religious upbringing And third, if I can pay in installments, I'm definitely interested."
Avoid all esoteric jewellery over ten pounds in weight - it attracts unwelcome attention from muggers, policemen, various supernatural creatures and can be and are downright dangerous during thunderstorms.
Avoid using coloured candles in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the weirdest demons.
Never make flippant remarks to a demon ("Hey, Belial, you look like hell, ha ha."). It may retort with its own brand of humour, like tearing your limbs apart.
Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, service revolver, garlic, taxi fare, condoms, and change.
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the High Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
If a demon promises you untold riches in exchange for your body, ask for an advance - freeloading sex fiends abound.
If the entity you summoned offers you its soul in return for money, chances are that more...
In a finding that could treat inherited baldness, a research team in England claims to have discovered a genetic "code" that instructs cells to sprout hair.
That's good news for Vice President Cheney. Now all scientists have to do is find the genetic code for "evil" and he'll be completely cured.
How To Be A Cultist:
Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable
decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil
priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this
growing problem by submitting the following general guidelines for
1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of
2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct
pronunciation of your deity+s name in the privacy of your own room
before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight+ it
attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various
supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during
5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress