Five Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into more...

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.3 - I am a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler."Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I am gonna have to explain it five times."

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were more...

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Dear Friends,
This letter is being sent to you for I know that you are certainly Interested in your lawn.
The summer season is almost over, and it is time to act if You want a truly spectacular lawn. This is a fertilizer chain letter. It Will cost you nothing.
Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address of the person on the top of this list and poop on their front lawn. You will not be the only one doing this so don't be embarrassed.
Then add your name and address to the bottom of the list and send out five copies of the letter to five of your friends who appreciate a good organic lawn.
You will not get any money or checks, but within a few weeks, if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,255 people pooping on your front lawn.
Your reward will come next year when you have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood.
Mr. Harry Butt
235 Corn Cob Alley
Mr. Smell B. Hind
275 Diarrhea Way
Mrs. Lucy Bowels
298 Bedpan Road
Mr. C. Howie more...

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs? Her knickers fit her like a glove!

* Note: I am unsure whether this is true, but it is still funny.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to more...