Fair Jokes / Recent Jokes

THE IRS LETTER... Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you more...

A Key to Scientific Research Literature
What is writtenTrue meaning
"It has long been known that..."I haven't bothered to look up the reference.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions..."The experiment didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
"The W-PO system was chosen for detailed study..."The lab next door already had some prepared.
"Three samples were chosen for detailed study..."The results on the others didn't make sense and were ignored.
"Accidentally strained during mounting..."Dropped on the floor.
"Handled with extreme care throughout the experiment..."Not dropped on the floor.
"Typical results are shown..."The best results are shown, i.e. those that fit the dogma.
Agreement with predicted curve:"Excellent" = fair
"Good" = poor
"Satisfactory" = more...

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

When Duan Guangqing served as a county magistrate, he was known for his honest, upright nature. One day while passing a grain shop, he saw a crowd of people who seemed to be quarreling about something. Upon inquiry he learned that a country fellow had trampled a chick to death and the boss of the grain shop had asked for nine hundred coins in compensation. Duan Guangqing asked, "Why does a chick cost nine hundred coins?" The fellow from the country answered, "The boss said the chick, which was of fine quality, would weigh nine jin after a few months, The current price for a chicken is one hundred coins per Jin, so he asked me to pay nine hundred coins for the loss." Hearing this, Duan Guangqing asked the boss, "Is that true?" The boss of the grain shop nodded. "Yes, that's the way I calculated it." Then Duan Guangqing brought the case to a conclusion. "It seems that nine hundred coins is not too much. You just pay him that much. If you more...

One day Peyton Manning dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, he's given a nice sized house, and a few of his trophies and some Colts apparel is set up around the house to honor his days as a QB.
One day, as he's walking along the golden streets, he hears the news that Ben Roethlisberger has died. As he looks up, he sees this ridiculously large mansion-a big, BIG mansion. The building is completely decked out and covered in Ben Roethlisberger banners and flags and paraphanelia. Peyton is a little put out, so he goes to see God.
"God," he says when he meets him, "I don't think this is very fair. I mean, I WAS the better Quarterback. Just look at my record and my stats! Do you think it's fair that he gets all that and I just get a little house?"
God simply smiles and chuckles a little before shaking his head. "Peyt," he says, "That's not Ben Roethlisberger's house. That's MY house."

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane". Every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs". So Stumpy says, "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go". Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs". So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars". They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing... so fair is fair and he lands. He turns to more...

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a more...