Expect Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down. 2. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. 3. Don’t make us guess. 4. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 5. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it. 6. He’s never thinking about “The Relationship. ” 7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat. 8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. 9. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 10. Shopping is not everybody’s idea of a good time. 11. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 12. You have enough clothes. 13. You have too many shoes. 14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it. 15. Your brother is an idiot. 16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work. 17. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries. 18. Share the bathroom. 19. Share the closet. 20. Yes and No are more...

A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: ”I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments? ”
His new bride said, ”No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at 7 o’clock every night - whether you’re here or not. ”

Borrow money from pessimists--they don`t expect it back

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional more...

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want...
and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner
to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozin', and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether
you're here or not."

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:
If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.
ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.
Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
"Yes" and "No" ARE more...

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.You have enough clothes.You have too many shoes.Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes."Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. more...