Except Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in more...

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that.

Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She more...

Q: What is the Information Superhighway?
A: It's just like the internet, except:
it's a lot more expensive.
you can't post and there's no killfile.
there's no alt.sex.* or alt.drugs
rec.humor.funny has a laugh track.
there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
everything is formatted to 40 columns for TV's.
the free software costs you $2.00/megabyte to ftp, more for long distance.
A: It's just like cable TV, except:
it's a lot more expensive.
the picture isn't as good.
there's 500 channels of Pay-per-View and home-shopping.
you can watch any episode of Gilligan's Island or any Al Gore speech for only $2.00.
no public access channels.
there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
A: It's just like renting videos, except:
it's a lot more expensive.
there's only 1/100th as many to choose from.
no porno.
there's no pause, fast-forward, or rewind, and it costs
you another $3.95 if you want to watch more...

Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs.... who arranged a running competition.
The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.
A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants....
The race began....
Honestly:
No one in crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.
You heard statements such as:
"Oh, WAY too difficult!!"
"They will NEVER make it to the top."
"Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"
The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one....
Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher....
The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!"

More tiny frogs got tired and gave up....
But ONE continued higher and higher and higher....
This one wouldn't give up!
At the end everyone else had given up climbing the more...

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said' Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said' Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, more...

There are TWO teams, with eleven players each (instead of nine as in baseball).

Instead of four bases, there are only two; in the middle of the field, sixty-six feet apart... all running is between the two bases... the ball can be hit in front, OR behind... or, in ANY direction.

Instead of rotating batting for nine innings each, EACH team does all its batting in a SINGLE inning.

The team scoring more runs wins the game.



[NOTE: Unlike baseball, where a pitcher rests every 10 or so pitches when the BATTING rotates, cricket pitchers rest every 6 pitches as their PITCHING rotates.]


The fielding team works with TWO pitchers at the same time.

The first pitcher throws from one base to the other. After six throws, the catcher moves around behind the first pitcher's base, pitcher #2 takes over. He makes six throws in the opposite direction (i. e. towards the starting pitcher's base). The two pitchers keep more...

Real software engineers eat quiche. Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused. Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to. Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though. If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it. Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought. Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that more...