Exactly Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was once a Chinese emperor who had very refined taste buds and would eat only the finest of foods. He employed many people whose jobs involved just traveling the length and breadth of the land to find food of the highest quality for their emperor. It was unfortunate for them, however, that the emperor had peculiar cravings. One day the emperor called in his staff and said, "Well, today I want to eat a one hundred year old egg. This egg must be exactly one hundred years old." Well imagine the commotion in the palace! His staff jumped on their horses and traveled all over, trying to find an egg which was exactly one hundred years old. They looked and looked, and finally returned to the palace and approached the emperor. "Well", said the emperor, "did you find my egg?" One of his servants stepped forward and addressed his majesty. "No sir", he said, "we did not find an egg that was exactly one hundred years old. But we do have one here more...

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

- "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

- "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

- After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)

- On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)

- "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)

- "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)

- "The lead car

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over. It`s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says, "Okay, I`m a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.
"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell more...

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell more...

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?"
"Well... not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well... not exactly.... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see’s a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! ”So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? ”
“Ma’am, ” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. ”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour! ” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22? was the route number, not more...