Equipped Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Northwest Flight 571, service to Los Angeles continuing on to San Diego.I am your chief purser and Captain Vinod Devasia is in control of this flight. Before we take off, we'd like to acquaint you with some of the safety features of this Boeing 767. You know about the emergency exits, oxygen masks, floating seat cushions, and so on, so we will not waste time with those. Consult the cards in your seat pocket for information on all features of our aircraft. "Please do pay attention to the new security features. "In the event of midair terrorism, a panel will open alongside the window seat, containing two lightweight automatic handguns. They are fully loaded, and extra clips are available in velcro straps. As the flight attendants are now demonstrating, to operate the pistol, simply draw back the slide and let it fall forward, then aim by lining up the slot in the rear site with the front site, cantered on the middle of more...

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. It is considered an offense to shower naked. You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. It is illegal to skateboard without a license. Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging. It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road. In Florida it is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge.In Florida failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal.Florida law forbids rats to leave the ships docked more...

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: PERSONNEL DEPT.
SUBJECT: REST ROOM PRIVILEGES
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the rest room under informal guidelines. Effective this date, a "Rest room Trip Policy" (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's rest room time.
Under this policy, a "Rest room Trip Bank" (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a "Rest room Trip Credit" (RTC) of 20. RTCs can be accumulated from month to month.
Within two weeks, the entrance to all rest rooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices. Before the end of March, each employee must provide the Personnel Dept. with two copies of voice prints, one normal and one under stress. The voice print recognition will be in operation, but not restrictive, for the rest of the month. Employees more...

TO: All EmployeesFrom: ManagementRe: Restroom PolicyIn the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistant method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated from month to month. Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) management by Feb. 10, 1995. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should aquaint themselves more...

Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?
A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).
Q: Why does Santa use Elves?
A: There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.
Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus?
A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though.
Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?
A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this is related to the cryptic description "up where the sun don't more...

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established which will provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all.
On the first day of every month, all staff members will be issued twenty toilet trip tickets which may be accumulated.
All toilet doors will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. All staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress.
Once an employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the toilet doors will not unlock for the employee's voice until the 1st of the month.
Additionally, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. Should the toilet be occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will automatically open.
If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph more...

TO: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Restroom Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistant method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated from month to month.
Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) management by Feb. 10,1995. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees more...