Early Jokes / Recent Jokes
RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERSI was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with.A girl phoned me the other day and said...."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"He said, "Because you came home early."Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as more...
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
The deadline is one week after the original deadline.
The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.
A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for avisit, and took him on a tour of the property.Driving along in the son`s pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried, "What in tarnation is that!?"The son incredulously replied, "That`s a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow `em a lot bigger`n back home in Texas."So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"The son hesitantly said, "Those are buffalo, Dad. You gotta be kiddin me. You really don`t recognize them?" The father replied, "Well, I guess they`re kinda familiar - it`s just that we grow `em so much bigger back in more...
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
There where these three guys; a Polish guy, an Italian
guy, and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they
notice that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together
and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss
left and so did they.
The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so nhe can get an early start. The
Italian guy goes home and cook dinner. The Polish guy goes home and walks to his
bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss; he
quietly shuts the door and leaves.
The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go home early
again. They ask the Polish
guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "NO WAY."
They ask him " why not?"
"Because", said the Polish guy; "yesterday i almost
got caught! "
(I don't know if this is true, but I laughed at it..)
A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most
embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners.
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when
early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled
for early that morning at 9: 30am. I has just packed everyone off to work and
school and it was around 8: 45 already.
The trip usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to
spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort
over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be
able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing
gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in
front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some more...