Desk Jokes / Recent Jokes

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels."Do you have books here?""Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?""Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?""I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book,' Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")"Do you have that book by Rushdie:' Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?""Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?""Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?""Do more...

There was this guy who worked with a help desk for a big Broadcasting company. One day, this lady called in because she didn't know why her computer wouldn't come on.

He then asked her, "Did you plug it in?" She says "Yes." He then asked her, "Did you turn in on?" She said "Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of idiot?"

So, he goes and takes a look at her computer. She goes, "See? I plugged the computer into the surge protector."

The guy goes, "Yea, but you plugged the surge protector into itself."

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. more...

You might be a redneck if...
You think harass is two words. You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH. Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have more dogs than the local shelter. You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $
1.
25. Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell!
Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

You might be a redneck if...You think harass is two words. You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH. Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have more dogs than the local shelter. You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25. Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools! Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell! Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?
If this leaks out, I'll be ruined.
If this doesn't leak out, *I'll* be ruined.
If I could convince Hillary to do that just once...
Now you know why they call me 'Slick Willie'.
You are a White House intern; Well, now it's your turn.
I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that I would be one of them.
Somehow, I don't think that alan Greenspan would explain inflation that way.
I've always said, "I want to be a 'hands-on' president."
What do you mean 'falsie inspection. I don't remember a no falsies clause in my contract.
When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thought you meant the latest Gallup Survey.
I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Sox sharpening his claws.
Are you *sure* it's in?
When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation, this isn't exactly what i thought you meant.
"Maybe more...

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago wasstranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that didnot admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, noroom. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But yoursign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerkstammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do notadmit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have youknow I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Maryin a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in amanger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said more...