Data Jokes / Recent Jokes

When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.
Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On more...

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him more...

Quotes about computers and software and other things

' Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things.' --Doug Gwyn

'True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see...' -- unknown

'An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot' -- Rich Julius

'The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.'

'Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.'

PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

'Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not more...

Part 4 - (Opearting Systems)
What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid - CP/M after all, is basically
a toy operating system. Even little old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M.
Unix is a lot more complicated of course - the typical Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT
command is called this week - but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't
do Serious Work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games
and research papers.
No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can find and understand the description of
IJK305I error (s)he just got in h(er)is JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to
the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs burried in a 6 megabyte core dump without
using a hex calculator. (I have more...

Part 9 - (The Future of Real Programmers) - the final part
What of future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest generation of
computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of
them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days
can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are soft - protected from the
realities of programming by source level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly"
opearing systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without
ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL
From my experience, I can only report that the furure is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. more...

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference."

A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.


"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... more...

Source: Colleague at Wash. Dept. of Info. Services, Olympia, Washington
o Trust everybody... then cut the cards.
o Two wrongs are only the beginning.
o If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
o To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
o Exceptions prove the rule... and wreck the budget.
o Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
o Quality assurance doesn't.
o The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really
know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
o Exceptions always outnumber rules.
o To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
o No one is listening until you make a mistake.
o He who hesitates is probably right.
o The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
o If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier more...