Claws Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.
Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.
Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A. Ribbon hood.
Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.
Q. Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
A. She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Q. What was so good about he neurotic doll more...

Wuz de night befo Crismus
An all ober de hood
Everybody wuz sleepin'
Day wuz sleepin' good.
Everbody wuz sleepin'
all tight in they beds
Whilst Thunderbird Wine
Danced in they heads
I was passed out on de flo
Right next to my Ma
When I heard such a fuss
I thinked "It must be de law!!"
I looked out tru de barz
dat covered my do
Spectin' de sherif
with a warrant fo sho!
Now ober de years
Sanny Claws, he be white.
But it lookin' like us bros
got a black Sanny dis night
Now what I did see
made me say "LAWD Lood at dat!"
It was a huge watermellon cadi
pulled by dwarf rats
Faster than a po-lice car
True de air he came
an whupped up on dem warf rats
an called emm by name.
On Leroy, on Kendrick,
On Jontarious Lee, on Falacious
They was a sight to see
He didn't go down no chimbly
-just picked de lock on my do'
An I says to more...

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then more...

Da Nite Befo' Crizmus
Wuz da nit befo Crizmus
An all thru da hood
eberybody be sleepin'
Dey wuz sleepin real good
We hunged up our stockins
An hoped like all heck
Dat' ol Sanny Claws
Gonna brang us our check
All a da fambly
wuz layin' in beds
while Thunderbird wine
Danced thru dere heds
I dun passed out on de flo
rite nex to my maw
when I heared such a fuss
I thunk - it must be da law
I looked out thru da bars
what could I now do
I was spectin' the sheriff
Wid a warrant fo sho'
An what I did see
Made me say. .."Lawd look at dat
Dere wuz a huge watahmelon
Pulled by 8 big ass rats
Now ober all da years
Sanny Claws he be white
but it looks like us bros
gets a black Sanny tonight
Faster dan a po lice car
My homeboy he came
He whupped up on dem rats
As he called dem by name
On Leroy, On Roosevelt
On Virvus, On more...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldnt buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl. Youre getting your Christmas present a week early this year, her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. Is that what you want? The little girl said, Its wonderful, mother... just what I wanted. Theres just one thing wrong! Whats that? her mother asked. Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws! Her mother smiled. Dont worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning youll find the claws are there. Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worrie d about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasnt even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws. When more...