Quiet Jokes

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    Shhhhh!

    Hot 8 years ago

    A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
    Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
    A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

    A huge fleet of the english army came to a hill, on the bottom of the hill, there was a forest of trees. Just before the king was about to go down into it he heard a voice from the forest it yelled,

    " ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!"

    The king was outraged and he sent two of his best knights down. After much clashing of swords there was blood curdling screams and all was silent.

    Again the king heard
    " ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!"

    He was now so furious that he sent twenty of his knights down. There were screams of agony and pain...then all was quiet.

    again they heard
    " ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!"

    The king was know seeing red and in his fury he sent the remaining of his fleet down to the forest. There were screams an clashing of swords and then all was quiet.

    The king was dumbfounded!! But one of his more...

    A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up to an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
    "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
    "I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"
    So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
    Three days later, the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
    So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
    And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called every day for more...

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
    After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
    "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
    Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
    The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
    The second man was given the same instructions.
    He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."
    Finally, it was the woman's turn.
    She was given the same more...

    There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK for you' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then more...

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