15 Steps to Build a campfire.
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers(including those embedded in hand).
6. Light match.
7. Light match.
8. Repeat "a scout is cheerful," and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.
10. Apply Burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovery that fire has gone out during your absence, soak wood with liquid from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second degree burns, and relabel your can to read "gasoline."
14. When fire is burning well, add all remaining wood.
15. When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps 1 through 14.
What is a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire.
Cesium (Burning in the Dead of Night)
Cesium burning in the dead of night.
Take your sky blue lines and start to shine.
All my life,
I was only waiting for the moment you were mine.
Cesium burning on a lake of ice.
Lift your glorious flame up to the skies.
All your life,
You were only waiting for some water to arise.
Give your light to this coal black night.
--- Songs of Cesium #133
This is an Actual Article from the Los Angeles Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying
to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe
Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomasszewski, and his homosexual
partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after
a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,"
he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had
enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered
into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a
hushed press conference a hospital spokesperson described what happened next.
"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the
tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair more...
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde climb to the roof to escape a burning building. The firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
"Jump!" they yell to the brunette. "It's your only chance."
The brunette jumps and SWISH! They pull the blanket away, causing her to slam into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"Jump! You have to jump!" they yell to the redhead.
"No way!" she yells back. "You're going to pull the blanket away."
"No! Don't worry," they reply. "It's brunettes we can't stand. We're fine with redheads."
"OK," says the redhead and she jumps. SWISH! Again they pull the blanket away and she's flattened like a pancake on the sidewalk.
Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. "Jump! It's your only chance," the firemen yell.
"Not a chance!" screams the blonde. "You're just going to pull the blanket more...