Besides Jokes / Recent Jokes
Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?"I'll fix it."
Original Monologue by Larry Miller, an American comedian.
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers.
You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends.
Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress more...
Q. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive? A. Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for? Q. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women? A. As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.Q. Why do men like younger women? A. Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come more...
Sahara had been in chat rooms for several months and met a guy on the net:
suocnon_ris: U know wat would be really cool?
sahara_19: no wat
suocnon_ris: if u would take some nude pics and post them on myspace
sahara_19: NO WAY
suocnon_ris: i'll pay u for every pic
suocnon_ris: how ever much g2g
sahara_19: wait how much?
Sahara didn't feel right about the guy, so she went and spoke to her dad thinking about collage and all.
Sahara: dad i met this guy on the net
Sahara: yeah and he said i should take some pics
Dad: What type of pics?
Dad: its up to you
Sahara needing the money went to her room and took the pics then got back on the net and posted them. the next day she was on the net and looked at the comments
suocnon_ris: nice pics so how much do i owe u?
sahara_19: well $25 for each pic so $150
suocnon_ris: k but u know wat would be even better
if u got some pics more...
The 5 Levels of Drinking
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have
work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed
friends. Here at level I you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly. Why, as long as I
get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against
artificial tuff. You get up to leave again, but at level
2, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with
my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long
as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers), I'm
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes
arguing for artificial tuff. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most more...
This newlywed couple decides to go to a lake resort for their honeymoon. During check in, they explain to the desk clerk that they are on their honeymoon and would like a suite. After paying the couple heads up to their room. Only 10 minutes go by and the husband is down at the desk asking to rent a fishing pole. The clerk was shocked to see the man wanting to go fishing on his honeymoon. The clerk told the man: "I would be up there with your wife, it's your honeymoon." The man replied: "My wife has herpes, besides I really love to fish." The clerk tells the man: "There's other thing you can do on your honeymmon you know" The man replied: "I know, but she also has hemmoroids and gum disease, besides I really love to fish. The clerk then asks: "If your wife has so many things wrong with her why did you marry her?" The man replied: "She also has worms, and like I said "I really love to fish."
There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and more...