Bathing Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL more...

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
_____________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.
Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water.
And then you dump the stock.
_______________________________________________
New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead...
___________________________________________
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,
"How do more...

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Hi people. This is a story that me and my friends wrote when
we had nothing to do at the office. It is one of those stories
where everyone writes one paragraph and compiles this weird and
wonderful, and sometimes humourous story.
I hope you like it.

Long ago there was a magnificent bell that rang everyday and filled
the city with it's glorious sound.
The piano was set up hign on a pedistal with it's haunting
music drifting down into the city.
He wore a bermuda bathing suit. The bathing suit was pink
with red polka dots on it and he used it to flirt with all the
naked chicks on the beach.
The bell came on all the chicks and they sighed with
pleasure because it was the best sex they'd ever had. The bell
said "I'm not bad for a hunk of metal." The metal
then walked home happy at his new found discovery.
It was the car of the century - the corvette. Six speed mannual
, sunroof, electric more...

Q: Why do Punjabans usually bathe with an open door?
A: So nobody can peep at them through the key-hole!

A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.
1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn more...

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 2004
Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 2004:
Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What more...