Bastards Jokes / Recent Jokes

From The Gloucester Citizen: A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

From The Guardian: After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.

Phreakers, or' phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of' Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to' Hello, you fat bastard'.

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: Would the Congregation please note that the more...

Twas the night before Payback...'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land, The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan. Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees, He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas. He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter, But all that he's done is just make us madder. We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut, And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot. And yes we remember the USS Cole, And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole. You think you can rule us and cause us to fear, You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear. And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam, And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs. You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide, They'll go down in history as the place where you died. Remember Khadhafi and his line of death? He came very close, to his final breath. So come out and prove it, that you are a man, Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan. They are more...

Twas the night before Payback...'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land, The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees, He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter, But all that he's done is just make us madder.We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut, And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.And yes we remember the USS Cole, And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.You think you can rule us and cause us to fear, You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam, And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide, They'll go down in history as the place where you died.Remember Khadhafi and his line of death? He came very close, to his final breath.So come out and prove it, that you are a man, Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.They are our more...

Melbourne, Australia
Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down - - and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: "Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God."

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. "The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, more...

Twas the night before Payback...

' Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, more...

These are all true cuttings,
Irish police are being handicapped
in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It is
a Special Branch vehicle and they
do not want the public to know what it
looks like. (The Guardian)
Police reveal that a woman
arrested for shoplifting had a
whole salami in her knickers. When asked why she
said it was because she was
missing her boyfriend. (Reuters via The
Manchester Evening News)
After being charged 20 [pounds] for a 10 [pound]
overdraft, 30 year old Michael
Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed
poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are
Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked
him to close his account and Mr.
Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p
balance by cheque made out in his
new name.
(The Guardian)
Notice seen in the Churchtown
Parish Magazine: Would the
congregation please
note that the bowl at the back more...

There was this boy who was literally retarted. He asked his sister everything. He heard his mother and father arguing. His mother called his father a bastard and his father called his mother a bitch. He asked his sister what bitches and bastards meant. And she said ladies and gentlemen. He overheard them having make up sex. His mother said gimme your dick. His father said gimme your tits. He asked his sister what dicks and tits are. She said hat and coats. His father was in the kitchen cutting the turkey. He cut his finger and said fuck. He asked his sister what fuck meant. She said cutting the turkey. His mother was in the bathroom putting make up on her face. She messed up and said shit. HE asked his sister what was shit. She said putting make up on your face. The doorbell rang. He answered it and said." Hello Bitches, and bastards can I have your tits and dicks. My father is in the kitchen fucking the turkey and his mother is putting shit all over her face."