Awakened Jokes / Recent Jokes

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.
The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began, "I remember back in '1966', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!... ' I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one more...

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

One night, George W. Bush was awakened by the ghost of George Washington.
Bush asked, "George, now that I have been elected President, what is the best thing I can do for the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised Washington.
The next night, Bush was awakened by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
"Tom, now that I am elected President, what is the best thing I can do for the country?" asked Bush.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advised.
The next night, Bush saw another figure moving in the shadows. This time it was the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
"Abe, now that I have been elected President, what is the best thing I can do for the country?" asked Bush.
"Go to the theatre!" Abe replied.

A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says. The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal." The chemist says that, OK, he'll sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal." So the economist is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!

A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" he asked the doctor."Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

Moody was awakened by the telephone at four A.M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy, Crumm, calling long distance from Montgomery. "What's the matter?" asked Moody. "Are you in trouble?" "No!" said Crumm. "What do you want, then?" "Nothing!" "Then how come you are calling me in the middle of the night?" asked Moody. "Cause!" said the other redneck, "the rates is cheaper!"