Arrival Jokes / Recent Jokes

An explosion killed a navy boilerman and he wound up in hell. Being used to stroking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. When satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling. "You like this?", satan asked.

"Yes, sir", said the sailor, "this feels like a spring day to me."

Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, satan turned up the heat a lot. When he went back to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy. He hadn't even broken a sweat.

"I like this kind of weather", he told satan. Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat, he turned it off. He made the sailor's room form icicles. When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear.

"Why are you so happy?", satan demanded. "It's freezing in here!" more...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed more...

It's that time again... They are finally out again. You all know about the
Darwin Awards - It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool
the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid
way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees for 2001 are:
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
killing both him and his sister.
A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, more...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with more...

How to be a Good WifeExcerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbookHave dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a life. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. Prepare the children. more...