Aide Jokes / Recent Jokes

Background: The Vice-President of the Philippines, Joseph Estrada ('Erap' for short), has a reputation for being...err... how shall I put it? Well... STUPID! Much like Dan Quayle's reputation, I believe. The bad part is 'Erap' was elected into office. Here's a sample Erap joke.
Vice-President Joseph 'Erap' Estrada was invited to speak before an annual gathering of the Philippine Olympic Committee. Having no speech prepared for the event, he asked his aide to prepare one for him. Without reading it beforehand, he goes to the podium with his speech in hand and addresses the audience:
"Good evening", he pauses for a while, staring at his speech with a bewildered face.
"Ooouu... uuuoooO... ahem... ahem... OwwoooOwowwooh... Ohh... Ohhh... oooouuooouooo...", he struggles at his speech as his aide rushes to his side on stage.
"I'm having trouble reading this part", Erap whispers to him.
His aide looks at the speech for a moment then whispers more...

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The more...

For thirty Years I have been a Travel Agent, serving our legislators and their staffs. This is how I know we're in trouble!
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the plane, so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response. (click).
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I more...

The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, "If you're going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important."
He then said to his aide, "Let him go." The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping.
The general looked straight at his new people and said "You're each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT."
He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees. Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the general's family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, "This is COMMITMENT!"
He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator more...

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his face. A young nurse's aide appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and face."
Again, he struggles to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Once more, the aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and face."
The Head Nurse was passing and noticed the man was becoming a little distraught, so she approached his bed to find out what was wrong.
Seeing her, the man mumbled again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, she was undaunted. She quickly pulled back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama bottom, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up his pajamas, pulled the bedclothes back up and announced, "There's nothing wrong more...

(I've heard this story several times, but I'm damned if I can
remember who these Generals were. Nevertheless, here goes:)
Two Generals of the Napoleanic era were watching a battle from a
nearby bluff. Suddenly, a stray bullet struck one of them in the
shoulder. Without an instants' pause, he turned to his aide - "Fetch
me my red jacket," he commanded. As the aide rushed to comply, he
turned to the other General, and explained that he didn't want the
men to be demoralized by knowing he was wounded.
The other General was clearly impressed. At that moment, a
cannonball shrieked between them, the wind from its' passing rocking
them both back on their heels. After a moment, the second General
turned to his aide, and ordered, "Fetch me my brown trousers... "
= Martin A. Lodahl Pac Bell Minicomputer Operations Support Staff =