Values Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    BURNOUT PREVENTION AND RECOVERY
    1. STOP DENYING. Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit
    the stresses and pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or
    emotionally.
    MICROSOFT VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into
    unconsciousness.
    2. AVOID ISOLATION. Don't do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies
    with friends and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but
    also is anathema to agitation and depression.
    MICROSOFT VIEW: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside
    so no-one will distract you. They're just trying to hurt your
    productivity.
    3. CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. If your job, your relationships, a situation,
    or a person is dragging you under, try to alter your circumstances, or if
    necessary, leave.
    MICROSOFT VIEW: If you feel something is dragging you down, supress
    these thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. ( It's free.)
    4. DIMINISH more...

    The next generation embeddable scripting language for the web!
    JehovaScript (JS) is a powerful language with many advantages over
    current scripting systems. Its features include active alerts, a
    miracle system and error-collection. Rather than being defined as
    DOM-compliant, object-oriented or nth-generation, JS is
    Buzzword-Compliant, so your place at the forefront of technology is
    guaranteed regardless of trend-changes in the world of computing.
    Main features
    Miracles
    Each run of a JS program is entitled to three miracles. This allows
    you to deal gracefully with unexpected problems: you can create the
    needed RAM if memory allocation fails, or temporarily change the
    user's browser if the current browser does not support a certain
    feature of the language.
    Polymorphic constants
    Rather than create specialized logic for different situations, you can
    change the interpreters beliefs about constants. For example, the more...

    In view of recent admonitions against jokes maligning any
    class of people, I thought I'd put together some examples
    of humor that are approved within the Tandem Values. Note
    how these jokes arise from existing ones that are not
    permitted, showing that humor can be found anywhere.
    WRONG: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
    This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and
    coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink
    coffee for religious reasons.
    RIGHT: Why can't pigmentally-challenged individuals take a short
    rest between job tasks?
    Because the Mail Police are reading this joke.
    WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant?
    This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists,
    vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism
    and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as
    well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons.
    RIGHT: more...

    LONDON (Nov 8, 1996 1:48 p.m. EST) - Scientists searching for one of the fundamental keys to the universe found they had been beaten to the answer by the comic cult novel "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"; and the answer was 42.
    In the British novel and radio serial by Douglas Adams, an alien race programs a computer called Deep Thought to provide the ultimate answer to understanding life and the universe.
    In the novel, seven and a half million years later Deep Thought comes back with the result - 42.
    Astronomers at Britain's Cambridge University took a little less time - three years - to calculate the Hubble Constant that determines the age of the universe. But the answer was the same.
    "It caused quite a few laughs when we arrived at the figure 42, because we're all great fans of The Hitchhiker's Guide," Dr. Keith Grange, one of the team of Cambridge scientists who worked on the project, said Friday.
    "Everyone thought it was quite more...

    This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
    1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: A. the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
    2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: A. the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
    3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: A. find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
    4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: A. my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
    5. What do you think of your strength? I am: A. more...

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