Town Jokes / Recent Jokes

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here,' The three wise man came from afar.'"

Here are two versions of the same story-
A certain man was passing through a small town and wanted to upgrade his mode of transportation. So he looked all around this small town he was in and found that the only place he could buy a faster means of transportation was at the local monastery. They had a horse for sale there for quite a deal. When the man was leaving the monastery with his new horse the monk that was sold him the horse said "Now all you have to remember is- When you want the horse to move all you need to say is 'Hallelujah' and when you want it to stop say 'Amen.'" The man then gave the monk a half acknowledged nod and continued on his way.
After several miles the man sneezed and spooked the horse. The horse started running faster and faster. Then the man noticed a cliff ahead of him and stared to panic and said a prayer when the traveler said "Amen" the horse stopped right on the edge of the cliff. Then the man shouted and Praised God saying more...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years.
During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection.
After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeoed into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside.
Mideval people were violent. Murder during this Period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.
In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were more...

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going...
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're more...

Quasimodo, the bell-ringer for the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, goes to the cardinal. "Cardinal, I'm getting pretty old and I'd like to retire, and live the rest of my life peacefully." The cardinal says, "That's fine Quasi, we'll just let the town crier know so he can put out the call to find a new bell-ringer." The cardinal does this, and both he and Quasimodo hear the town crier announcing the job opening.
After about three weeks, they are shocked because they haven't had anyone come for the job opening. The cardinal and Quasimodo are down on the steps talking, "Quasi," said the cardinal, "I'm sorry to say this but I can't let you go retire. We don't have anyone to ring the bells if you go. We'll keep the job offer open to anyone, but no one seems to want to do it." As he was speaking, an armless man runs up, and out of breath says, "I'm - here about - the bell - ringing job. Is it still - available?" The cardinal looks to more...

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.
Hing, who has had many advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book, Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese more...