Tip Jokes / Recent Jokes

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"
The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"
The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."
"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.
Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"
The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"
Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves more...

Upon a mandate from Congress that it was entirely too top-heavy with brass, The Pentagon posted an early retirement bonus. Any general to retire immediately would be guaranteed his full annual benefits-plus $300, 000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body that the general chose.

The first general to accept instructed the pension man to measure from the top of his bald spot to the tips of his toes: 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $21. 6 million.

The second general dictated a measurement from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes: 8 feet, 2 inches. His check came to $29. 4 million.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When asked where to measure, without hesitation the third general told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." The pension man told the general his order would be followed, saluted-and deferred to the medical officer for the more...

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5. 0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1. 0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7. 5, CruiseShip 2. 3, and OperaNight 6. 1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1. 3, SaturdayFootball 5. 0, Golf 2. 4 and ClutterEverywhere 4. 5. Conversation 8. 0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14. 1 or HouseCleaning 2. 6.

I've tried running Nagging 5. 3 to fix Husband 1. 0, but this is all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!


Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women more...

A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?," the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I
thought,' I just paid $6, 000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the
chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought,' I just paid $3, 000 to get
my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought' This is going to make a loud
noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I more...

I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I`ll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here`s five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I`ll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma`am. My name`s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah`m from Dallas, Texas. Ah`m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah`m white from th` top of mah head to th` tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." Well, she didn`t know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name`s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah`m from Dallas, Texas. Ah`m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah`m white from th` top of mah head to th` tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d`ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O`Donnell. I`m from Dublin, Ireland. I`m 5-foot 6- inches tall, and I`m white from the top o` me head to the tip o` me toes, except for my rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."