Tear Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,' Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee,' I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside more...

Have you ever wondered why the English language is so hard to master? We polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. A farm can produce produce. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. The present is a good time to present the present. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. The dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance for the invalid was invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I more...

An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him,
"Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best
golf course in the universe!" The man's eyes turn cloudy.
St. Peter says, "And the weather here is always good." A tear begins to form in
the man's eye.
St. Peter says, "And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf."
A tear starts dropping from the man's other eye.
St. Peter hurriedly says, "And your drives go at least 50 yards further up
here." The man is now sniffling.
St. Peter then says, "And you will never have more than two puts on any of the
greens." The man is now sobbing uncontrollably.
St. Peter asks, "Hey, what is the matter with you? I thought you would be
overjoyed. Why the tears?"
The man answers, "If my wife had not fed me all those healthy food, I would have
been here five years more...

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night? she asked.
Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only sixteen? he asked. Yes, I do, she replied.
Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love? Oh yes, I remember.
Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or spend twenty years in jail?
Yes, I do, she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, You know. .. I would have gotten out today.

1) Remove a beer coaster from your local bar.

2) Carefully split the beer coaster top and bottom.

3) Insert a 10 bill and reseal.

4) Return to bar.

5) Place beer coaster under glass.

6) Wait for the bar to get extremely busy.

7) Discuss in a VERY LOUD voice the adverts on TV and in the papers which says Brewery X have hidden 10 bills in their coasters.

8) Keep arguing about whether it's true or not until everyone in the bar knows what you're talking about. 9) Tear open some beer coasters; look depressed.

10) Partially tear open the one with the 10 bill in it.

11) Shout, "I've won! I've won", and wave the tenner still wedged in the beer coaster around

12) Watch every coaster in the bar get destroyed.

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.
Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored. "What`s it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That`s terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I`m going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.
"In more...

A Singapore PR (previously came from Malaysia) named Ah Meng was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Singapore Hell or to Malaysia Hell. Naturally, An Meng wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Malaysia Hell. There outside the door was Ah Lian, looking bored.' What's it like in there?' asked Ah Meng.' Well,' he replied, ' In Malaysia Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.'' That's terrible!' gasped Ah Meng.' I'm going to check out Singapore Hell!' He went over to Singapore Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in. The line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Ah Meng pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found An Gu busily signing people in. An Meng asked Ah Gu what Singapore Hell was like.' In Singapore Hell,' said An Gu impatiently,' more...