Alive Jokes

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    Bleeding Man

    Hot 1 year ago

    Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
    The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical book and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed.
    After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
    "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
    "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said.
    He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
    The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
    "Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"

    A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was
    told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to
    Communist Hell.
    Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to
    Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored.
    "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied, "In
    Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a
    rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small
    pieces with sharp knives."
    "That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist
    Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line
    of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven
    times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through
    to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people
    in. Dave asked Karl more...

    Things Said In Court 2

    Hot 6 years ago

    Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
    Q: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor child?
    A: I'm his mother.
    Q: And you have been so all of his life?
    Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    A: It indicates intercourse.
    Attorney Q: Male sperm?
    A: That is the only kind I know.
    Q: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
    A: The young lady is pregnant? but not as a result of my examination.
    Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a more...

    People magazine awards

    Hot 6 years ago

    ...Johnny Depp has been chosen "Sexiest Man Alive" by readers of People Magazine, while yours truly has been chosen "Sexiest Man Alive" by readers of People Named Bix Brillo Magazine.

    Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.
    "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
    "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
    "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
    Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could more...

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