Surgery Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man admitted in to a hospital run by nuns for surgery. After the surgery he was handed over a huge bill to be paid.
The man went to the manager who too was a nun and told her that he couldn't afford to pay this bill. "I haven't got so much money" he said.
The manager nun asked him " haven't you got a family?"
He responded "no, I don't have any other family or relatives except a sister who too is a nun, a spinster like you".
The nun was not happy at his comment and told him
"we are not spinsters, we are married to Jesus".
"Is that so, the man responded, "you mean my sister too is married to Jesus, then please send the bill to my brother in law".

CEO
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Dear Mr. CEO:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like more...

Top 10 Things You Don`t Want to Hear During Surgery 1. Things you don`t want to hear during surgery: 2. Better save that. We`ll need it for the autopsy. 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." 4. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! 5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what`s that? 6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there. 7. Oh no! Where`s my Rolex. 8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? 9. There go the lights again? 10. "Ya know, there`s big money in kidneys? and this guy`s got two of `em."

While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?""After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.""I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions.
"Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?"
"Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?"
"I couldn't play it before."

A Letter From Barbie
*** Chief Executive Officer Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA
Dear Sir,
Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like more...

Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order? It's called Suture Self.