Simon Jokes / Recent Jokes

My 4 year old brother just had a birthday. At his birthday party he invited all his friends and a clown for the entertainment. The clown didn't have too many options for entertaining 4 year olds, so he figured a nice game of Simon Says would be fun.
"Simon says, 'Point to your nose.'"
The children all do it and he continues.
"Simon says, 'Point to your head.'"
Again they all do.
"Sit down."
All those who sat down are out.
"Simon says, 'Point to your lip.'"
Trying to end this silly game and go on with his pathetic life,
"Point to your eye."
"OWWWWW!!!" Yep. They lost.

Simon was a meek little man married to a strong-minded woman, although all his friends at work kept telling him to assert himself.
One night, his wife told him, "Simon, tomorrow we're going into town to buy you a new pair of trousers."
They went to the shop the following day and she picked out the trousers for him.
"Now these come in different styles," the clerk said, "Do you want a button fly or a zipper fly?"
"Zipper," Simon quickly replied.
"Very good, sir," said the clerk, "and would you like a five-inch zip or a ten-inch?"
"Ten-inch," said Simon, before his wife could intervene.
When they got outside, his wife was livid. "You!" she hollered. "You and your ten-inch zip! Gracious, you remind me of the man who lives next door to my aunt. Every morning he goes out to his garage, unlocks it, opens the eight-foot double doors, then he wheels his bike out!"

Last week it was Simon Cowell's birthday, so I got him a toy model of a cartoon sailor man. I heard he was looking for a new Popeye Doll.

Simon the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Simon in tears.
"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Simon.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Simon was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Simon the crab strode in.
The lobsters all stopped their more...