Rogers Jokes / Recent Jokes

Fingernail Clippers:That's why we have teeth.Makeup That is Tattooed on:You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty? Colored Elastics For Braces:As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.Inflatable Furniture:Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.Crayons That Smell:Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.Fake Eyelashes:You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.The Epilady:Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:Kleenex does not get chilly.Rubber Clothing:Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.Doggie Sweaters:Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.Thong underwear:Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

Products we could do without!
Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.
Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
Crayons With a Fragrance: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.
Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

SAN DIEGO (AP) - For four decades, a Carlsbad man used fake resumes, degrees and identities to secure a wife, money and several jobs, including one as a fire chief and an accident investigator.
But Robert Fay Garcia's secrets are finally out. He was sentenced Thursday in San Diego federal court to 18 months in prison and ordered to pay $56,900 in restitution for collecting Social Security benefits using three identities.
He obtained one alias by claiming he was homeless, even though he lived in a mobile home, officials said.
Throughout his life, 70-year-old Garcia has used at least 38 names, posed as a retired Marine colonel and a former prisoner of war in Korea, said Jim Rogers, a special agent with the Office of Inspector General for the Social Security Administration.
"And those are the identities we know about," Rogers said. "He was never really who he said he was."
Garcia's first conviction involving an alias was in 1958 for forgery. In the more...

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, only backwards and in high heels.

Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife." During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat." Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way more...

As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free variable."

To Whom It May Concern:
After nine weeks and many phone calls, I am writing this letter to discuss a few items that the underwriter has not yet brought up (but probably will).
I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party. Neither my parents nor my grandparents were ever members of the Communist Party. I was born seven months after my parents were married. I hope this doesn't disqualify me for the mortgage, I will have my mother and father send a letter to you explaining how this happened if you feel it is necessary.
I am not a bed wetter or a homosexual.
I have no religious affiliation. If this is a problem, I will get a letter from a priest, minister, and rabbi stating they will let me join up if you feel it is necessary.
I want to apologize for having $36,000 in the bank account that I reported having $8,000. I guess if the underwriters find out that I have over $100,000 spread out in other banks and investments, I never will get the more...