There once lived three boys. They had really weird names. The first was named Nobody, the second was named Shut Up, and the third was named Manners.
One day, the boy named Nobody fell into the river. Shut Up and Manners went to the police station.
On the way to the police station, Manners needed to go to the toilet, so Shut Up went alone.
Shut Up said"Nobody fell into the river! Nobody fell into the river!"
The policeman asked curiously"Why are you here then?
Shut Up said"Never mind then."
The policeman asked Shut Up"What is your name?" Shut Up replied"Shut Up!" The policeman questioned Shut Up"Where are your manners?" Shut Up responded,"In the toilet!"
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river more...
There were 2 rednecks that lived on opposite sides of the river. One was named Clearance and the other Billy.
They would always threaten to beat the crap out of each other, but said they couldn't because the river was keeping them from getting to each other.
They swore that if there was ever a bridge made that they would go across and fight.
Well a few years went by and they began to build a bridge. When it was done, Billy's wife told him to go fight Clearance since there was a bridge now. So he decided to head that way.
In the middle of the bridge, there was a sign that said "Clearance 11ft 3in.
All of a sudden Billy's wife heard a banging on the door. There was her husband, out of breath.
She asked "Well did you fight him?"
He said "No."
"Well why not?" she asked.
"Because Clearance didn't look eleven feet three inches from across the river."
A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her...
The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown.
Without hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law.
The next day, in front of his house, he finds a new car, a City Honda, with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.
She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law. This one too, dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law. The next day, he too, in front of his house, finds a new car: the same City Honda with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.
The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law, she falls in the water and starts to drown. He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself: I've been waiting a long time for this!
The next day, in more...
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"