Rabbis Jokes / Recent Jokes

The two Rabbis
A reform Rabbi was having an argument with an orthodox Rabbi.
He asked him, “Why don’t you let the men and women of your congregation sit together as they do in my congregation?”
The orthodox Rabbi (who had a mischievous sense of humour) replied, “If you want to know the truth, I don’t really mind them sitting together at all. The trouble is, however, that I give sermons and I can’t have them sleeping together.”

Germany on Thursday ordained its first rabbis since
World War II in an event hailed as a milestone in the
rebirth of Jewish life in the country responsible for
the Holocaust.

Just before the ceremony, one of the soon-to-be
rabbis said he was "excited and happy."

"They're even taking us there on a private train!"

The conversation
Two Rabbis were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
"I didn`t sleep with my wife before I was married," said one of them self-righteously. "Did you?"
"I don`t know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority." Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong" Please give me a sign to prove it to them!" It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God" See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed more...

Three rabbis are standing around schmoosing when one of them says, "We've got a terrible problem with mice in the basement of the shul. Traps, cheese. Nothing works."
The second rabbi says, "Same thing with us. We tried it all. Still we have mice."
The third rabbi says, "We had the very same problem-but not anymore!" Now the other two rabbis are interested. "How did you do it?"
"It was easy. I went down in the basement, gathered all the mice together and performed a mass bar mitzvah. And we haven't seen any of them since!"

Three rabbis were bragging about how liberal they were.
Rabbi #1: "We have ashtrays by the seats."
Rabbi #2: "That's nothing! Come Yom Kippur service, we hand out sandwiches... ham sandwiches."
Rabbi #3: "That's nothing! When the High Holy Days come, we lock the doors and put the sign: 'Closed for the holidays.'"

Three rabbis were talking over a regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together.
Rabbi Ginsberg says, "We have such a problem with mice at our schul. The shammos sets all kinds of baited traps but they kept coming back. Do either of you learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin?"
The second rabbi, Rabbi Cohen, replied, "We have the same problem at our synagogue, we've spent all kinds of gelt on exterminators but the problem still persists. Any suggestions?"
The third rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg, looked at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen and told the following story:
"Rabbis, we had the same problem with mice at our synagogue. We tried traps, exterminators, even prayers; but nothing worked. Then one Shabbos after services were over a brilliant idea came into my mind. The next Shabbos I went to the synagogue about an hour before services started. I brought a big wheel of yellow cheese and placed it in the center of the bima. Well, soon, hundreds more...