Pump Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once a Sardarji from the countryside brought his pregnant wife to. a doctor for sex determination test. After the check-up doctor told Sardarji "Kuch nahin hei. Keval hava hei" (It is nothing but gas). The Sardarji got terribly annoyed and said, "Kya saala tum sochte ho ki mein keval cycle pump hun." (What do you think, I am only a cycle pump?)

Buy A Dumpster, Paint It Gray And Live In It For 6 Months Straight.
Run All Of The Piping And Wires Inside Your House On The Outside Of The Walls.
Pump 10 Inches Of Nasty, Crappy Water Into Your Basement, Then Pump It Out, Clean Up, And Paint The Basement "Deck Gray." Repeat.
Every Couple Of Weeks, Dress Up In Your Best Clothes And Go The Scummiest Part Of Town, Find The Most Run Down, Trashy Bar You Can, Pay $10 Per Beer Until You're Hammered, Then Walk Home In The Freezing Cold.
Perform A Weekly Disassembly And Inspection Of Your Lawnmower.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, And Fridays Turn Your Water Temperature Up To 200 Degrees, Then On Tuesday And Thursday Turn It Down To 10 Degrees. On Saturdays, And Sundays Declare To Your Entire Family That They Used Too Much Water During The Week, So All Showering Is Secured.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B. L. O. N.... ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her more...

I have been driving for nearly 14 years... I would think I should have noticed the little secret on my dashboard that was staring me in the face the whole time... I didn't... and I bet you didn't either...

Have you ever rented or borrowed a car and when arriving at the gas station wondered... mmm, which side is the gas filler cap?

My normal solution was to stick my head out the window, strain my neck and look, try to see in the side mirrors or even get out of the car!

Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to share with you my little secret so you will no longer look like Ace Ventura on your way to the gas station or put your neck at risk of discomfort or injury.

If you look at your gas gauge, you will see a small icon of a gas pump?

The handle of the gas pump will extend out on either the left or right side of the gas pump?

If your tank is on the left, the handle will be on the left? If your tank is on the right, the more...

A couple of Martians land at a closed gas station in the middle of the night. They exit their spaceship and approach a gas pump.
They look it over quizzically and one says to the other, "I think these must be Earth people."
"Take us to your leader!" the first Martian demands. There's no response.
"I don't think we should fuck around with this one," the second Martian whispers to his partner.
"I demand you take us to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!" the first Martian demands again. Still, there's no response.
The first Martian then takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. The gas pump and the entire station blow up and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a nearby tree.
The second Martian screams to his partner, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU WE SHOULDN'T FUCK WITH A GUY WHO CAN WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it:' Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently:' Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to you leader, or I will fire!'

The other alien shouted to his comrade' No, you mustn't anger him!' but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other and said:' What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so more...

LYRICS:
Simply take one word or phrase from each of the three columns below, in order to make one line. Repeat randomly four times. Repeat process again twice to make chorus. Repeat last line 17 times. Don't worry if they don't make sense.
Column 1Column 2Column 3
Move itTriple BeatThe City Streets
Get UpBody HeatYou'll be Humpin
Pump It UpFeel the BeatBefore the Night is Over
Get DownGet AroundShake your Meat
Shake itThe Joint Is JumpinBustin Loose
Pump the JamFeet are StompinDisco Heat
BACKBEAT:
Program a drum machine in neverending 4/4 time. Add occasional snare.
BODY:
Add monotonous bass in one key. Overlay with punchy sounding synth. Get previously unknown singer to talk the lyrics so as not to test the range of the vocal chords.
PRODUCTION:
Put above ingredients together on master tape. Press discs. Give the label a suitably techno-funk sounding name, like "Mixmastermeatbeaters". Sell 5 million copies to more...