Pretend Jokes / Recent Jokes
1.(Of course) Laugh hysterically and for no reason.
2. Pretend you holding something like a small knife and swing at the air as if you are trying to cut something. If someone asks, say you were misinterpreted or deny the whole thing.
3. Wear headphones everywhere you go, leaving the plug dangling out, easily seen, and then stationary knod, as if to a beat. Pretend not to hear anyone unless they touch you to get you attention. Periodically forget to take off headphones when you are touched and act confused when you cannot hear them.
4. Sit in front of a library computer and twitch your eyelid for 20 seconds, the get up and browse the fiction E section. Repeat.
5. Sit in front of a public computer on Windows 95, 98, or 2000. Click the start button. Click it again... and again. After clicking it for about 10 minutes, declare that you need another computer because your start button is broken. When someone proves it is not broken, say "Black magic! You all use black more...
1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say,' 'Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''
9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10) Swim near someone and go' 'Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here.''
11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say' 'HA-HA, fooled you!''
13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving more...
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Well, aren't we just a ray of f***ing sunshine?
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
This isn't an office; it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
Therapy is expensive; popping bubble-wrap is cheap. You choose.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby, whiny-arsed opinion would be...?
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Allow me to introduce myselves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Better living through denial.
Whatever more...
1.Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order. 2.Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. 3.Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. 4.Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. 5.Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. 6.Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in. 7.When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on. 8.Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. 9.Ask how they fit into that little box. 10.If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. 11.Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?" 12.When asked if they can take your order say more...
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD. ... Get your own fucking blanket!!!