Pads Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

    My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

    More Darwin Awards!

    Hot 4 years ago

    THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
    Runners-up: [AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.
    Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
    Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad more...

    Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

    A Slide Rule doesn't shut down abruptly when it gets too hot.
    One hundred people all using Slide Rules and Paper Pads do not start wailing and screaming due to a single-point failure.
    A Slide Rule doesn't smoke whenever the power supply hiccups.
    A Slide Rule doesn't care if you smoke, or hiccup.
    You can spill coffee on a Slide Rule; you can use a Slide Rule while completely submerged in coffee.
    You never get nasty system messages about filling up your entire paper quota with pointless GIF pictures for the root window.
    A Slide Rule and Paper Pad fit in a briefcase with space left over for lunch or a change of underwear.
    A properly used Slide Rule can perform pipelined *and* parallel operations. (Okay, you need a guru for this.)
    You don't get junk mail offering pricey software upgrades that fix current floating point errors while introducing new ones.
    A Slide Rule doesn't need scheduled hardware maintenance.
    A Paper Pad supports text and graphics more...

    A Slide Rule doesn't shut down abruptly when it gets too hot.
    One hundred people all using Slide Rules and Paper Pads do not start
    wailing and screaming due to a single-point failure.
    A Slide Rule doesn't smoke whenever the power supply hiccups.
    A Slide Rule doesn't care if you smoke, or hiccup.
    You can spill coffee on a Slide Rule; you can use a Slide Rule while
    completely submerged in coffee.
    You never get nasty system messages about filling up your entire
    paper quota with pointless GIF pictures for the root window.
    A Slide Rule and Paper Pad fit in a briefcase with space left over
    for lunch or a change of underwear.
    A properly used Slide Rule can perform pipelined *and* parallel
    operations. (Okay, you need a guru for this.)
    You don't get junk mail offering pricey software upgrades that fix
    current floating point errors while introducing new ones.
    A Slide Rule doesn't need scheduled hardware maintenance.
    A Paper Pad more...

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