Nope Jokes / Recent Jokes

The fishing season hasnt opened and a fisherman who doesnt have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?""Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts. "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope.""Well, meet the new game warden." "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope". "Meet the biggest liar in the state."

I met a guy in Las Vegas who really looked down in the dumps, and I asked him if he'd been cleaned out at the casinos.
He said, "It's worse than that. I blew almost all my dough, and then I was propositioned by this really great looking hooker as I was walking along the Strip.
I told her I was nearly broke, and she said, 'For sure you've still got a hundred bucks for a quick one,' but I said, 'Nope - don't have near that much.'
'Well, how about fifty bucks for a blow job?'
And I said, 'Nope - don't have fifty bucks left.'
'Well then,' she says, 'I can let you have a hand job for $25.'
And I said, 'Really, I'd love to, but I don't even have that much left.'
So she says, 'How about a wax job for five bucks?' And I tell her I've never heard of a wax job, but she says, 'Whadda ya got to lose?' and we go behind a parked car in Bally's parking lot.
So, I give her the five dollars and she kicks me in the nuts so hard the wax blows out of my ears.'"

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?""Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?""Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"The manager shrugs, "Sorry.""Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman."Nope. Don't have that.""Wow!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stupid store!"The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God `s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don `t you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do."
"Aren `t you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain `t."
"Don `t you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don `t doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??"
"Yep", was the calm reply.
"And you `re still not afraid??" more...

A woman walks into a 24 hour convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stinking store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 40th birthday. She spends $15, 000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk,' I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'' About 25,' is the reply.'' Nope! I'm exactly 40,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies,' I'd guess about 26.' The woman replies with a big smile,' Nope, I'm 40.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,' Oh, I'd say 24.' Again she proudly responds,' I'm 40, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,' Lady, I'm 60 and my eyesight is more...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale
one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into
their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different,
Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time,
"Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Sam! yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING more...