Music Jokes / Recent Jokes
According to the Washington Times (7/2/97) when a Virginia High School
student exposed mice to hard rock music 10 hours a day for three weeks,
their ability to navigate a maze they already knew decreased
significantly. A control group, exposed to classical music, actually
improved their maze time. The experiment was cut short because the hard
rock mice ate each other.
BRAIN - SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."
CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a
woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a more...
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of more...
"Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys"
"Diatonic is a low-calorie Schwepps."
"Agitato is your state of mind when your hand slips in the middle of a piece."
"Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large - number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in the attic."
"Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. "
"Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he would be celebrating the 165th anniversary of his death?"
And of course these greatest hits - "Bronze Lullaby", the "Taco Bell Cannon", and Gershwin's "Rap City in Blue." And Tchaikovsky's "Cracknutter Suite," of course.
Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings attached.
The principle singer of 19th century opera was called more...
1. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
2. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.
3. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
4. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
5. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died from this.
7. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
8. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
9. An opera is a song of bigly size.
10. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon more...
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
How do musicians do it...
Altos are sandwiched between sopranos and tenors.
Altos have body.
Bach did it with the organ.
Band members do it all night.
Band members do it in a parade.
Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.
Band members do it in public.
Band members do it in sectionals.
Band members do it on the football field.
Baritones do it deeper.
Bass clarinetists put it between their legs and blow.
Basses and altos do it lower.
Basses have rhythm.
Beethoven did it apassionately.
Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.
Choir boys do it unaccompanied.
Clarinetists do it with alternate fingerings.
Contrabass clarinetists do it deeper with a lot of tongue and steady rhythm.
Cymbal players do it with a crash.
DJs do it on request.
DJs do it on the air.
Drummers beat it.
Drummers do it in 4/4 time.
Drummers do it longer.
Drummers do it with both hands and more...