Mabel Jokes / Recent Jokes

I got this joke from a gentle soul from South Africa:
A couple of old ladies are sitting on the patio in a retirement home. Both are bored.
Mabel: Nothing happens here, all the men are half-dead and no fun!
Doris: I agree. Let's do something that will jerk them into action!
So Mabel agrees to streak down the corridor and attract the attention of the old men that are sitting there sunning themselves.
She does this and the following conversation insues between Harold and Humphrey...
Harold: Humphrey, old boy, was that Mabel that I saw running past...
Humphrey: Hmm, I think so. Couldn't say for sure.
Harold: My eyes aren't too good these days. What was she wearing?
Humphrey: Hmm, couldn't say for sure, but whatever it was it was in need of ironing!

Joe and Mabel are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Mabel, I've been wondering," Joe says, "have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Joe, why would you ask such a question now?" Mabel replies. "You really don't want to ask that question... "
"Yes, Mabel, I really want to know. Please," insists Joe.
"Well, all right, dear. Yes, three times," Mabel confesses.
"Three times? When were they?" asks Joe.
"Well, dear, remember when you were 30 and wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan?" Mabel says. "Remember how the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Mabel, you did that for me! I respect you more than ever, to do such a thing for me," Joe says. "So, when was number 2?"
"Well, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were seriously in need more...

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium over-looking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a BRISTOL."
The pharmacist fainted.