Letterman Jokes / Recent Jokes
On the "Late Show," David Letterman talks about John McCain suspending his campaign in order to solve the economic problem. It's the bailout keeping him away.
Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship) From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995 Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal." Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie! What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy! Tired of going to Disneyland.
David Letterman's 10 New Slogans for Exxon:
10. We've got oil to spare.
9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea.
8. Anybody got a tissue?
7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and we'll kill you.
6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses.
5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.
4. Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident.
3. If it wasn't for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil.
2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems.
1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker!
Late Nite Jokes heard on T. V." There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head." - Jay Leno"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." - David Letterman"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." - David Letterman"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our more...
Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995
Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.
Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.
Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.
Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."
Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.
Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.
Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
Tired of going to Disneyland.
Top Ten List for 4/25/1994
You'll never sit down again!
Singapore - spanking clean!
Singapore - it's canerific!
Yeeeeee-ouuuuuuch!
We'll spray-paint any car for $99.95!
Give us a week and we'll take off the flesh!
Drop your pants, round-eyes!
You can bet your ass you'll have fun!
Bend over!
Brian Peek
Owner of Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv
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"Them special effects is fantastic." -Dave Letterman
John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts." -David Letterman
"John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg." -Jay Leno
"Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a president?" -Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad, "Late Show With David Letterman"
"Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it." -Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush more...