Language Jokes / Recent Jokes
A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign language "Honey, how would I tell you when I want to have sex?".
The wife replies in sign language, "if you want have sex bite my right nipple once, if you don't want to have sex bite my left nipple twice".
Agreeing with this, the wife asks the same question to the husband.
The husband replies "Honey, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don't want to have sex pull penis 27 times".
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the'k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal more...
Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.
History: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and Africa. Be brief can concise, yet specific.
Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.
Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginals are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except more...
Some soul-searching showbiz questions
By Timothy M. Gray
HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - There are eternal questions that may never be answered: What is reality? What is the meaning of life? Why was I born? When was the last time Lauren Bacall went to a supermarket? What kind of people would allow their marriage ceremony to be performed on Live With Regis & Kathie Lee? We'll wait a moment while you ponder those questions.
I know, the fifth one was the hardest. Then are you ready for some more? OK, get out a clean sheet of paper and a No. 2 pencil, and answer the following.
Since A Streetcar Named Desire, The Moon Is Blue, Lady in a Cage and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? were once considered shocking and scandalous, does that mean American Movie Classics may one day be airing Showgirls and Natural Born Killers?
If the writers and director of the Oscarcast can win an Emmy for their work, what can the writers and director of the Emmys win?
Sometimes, when you're really more...
ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
ADA: A Dumb Acronym
ADA: A Dumb Annoyance
BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
BASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion
C: Crud
C: Confusing
COBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused Language
COBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated Language
COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics
FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland
LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses
PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language
G: Jokes rated G are acceptable for everyone. No bad language and no violence or sexual references are in these jokes.
PG: These jokes are suitable for most children. Mild violence or language may appear in these jokes.
PG13: These jokes may contain some bad language or violence. Some mild sexual content may also appear in these jokes.
R: These jokes contain foul language and sexual or violent content.
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Quotes about computers and software and other things
' Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things.' --Doug Gwyn
'True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see...' -- unknown
'An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot' -- Rich Julius
'The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.'
'Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.'
PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
'Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not more...