Hallmark Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Hallmark Card: "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas).

    Cards That You Won't Find At Hallmark -
    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
    "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
    "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
    "I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
    "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
    "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
    "Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
    "Someday I hope to get more...

    Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:
    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
    After having met you, I've changed my mind."
    "I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
    I never believed in Hell till I met you."
    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
    What the heck was I thinking?"
    "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
    "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
    Like the need for therapy..."
    "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
    "Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
    "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it more...

    Greeting cards unsuccessfully marketed by Hallmark
    Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real
    snippy.
    I heard you had herpes... and I feel terrible... I'd say "Get well soon"...
    but I know it's incurable.
    My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the
    tire... I found your cat... Sorry!
    You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of
    flowers and a box of Depends.
    You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find
    out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
    So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright
    side, she's a really good lay.
    Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... Don't fret about your
    wife though... She's moving in with me.
    Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have
    installed... Win '95.
    You totalled your car... and can't more...

    REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
    1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day... look on the bright side, she's a really good lay.
    2. My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.
    3. You had your Bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.
    4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy.
    5. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
    6. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry

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