Grow Jokes / Recent Jokes

Grandma used to say that I should have children young and grow up with them. But I think there are advantages to having your children later. My teenage son and I get to grow our first mustaches together.

My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get." I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about." If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me! You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank)..... I want you to go find something for me to spank you with. Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate. What were you thinking more...

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes. An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection

1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

3. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

4. A penny saved is a government oversight.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

7. He who hesitates is probably right.

8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

9. The purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom more...

Fat and docile, big and dumb,
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun,
Cows aren't fun.
They eat to grow, grow to die,
Die to be et, the hamburger fry,
Cows well done.
Nobody thunk it, nobody knew,
No one imagined the great cow guru
Cow Se Tongue.
He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred;
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd,
Cows' doldrums.
He mooed "We must fight, escape or we'll die,"
Cows gathered around, 'cause the steaks were so high,
Bad cow pun.
But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate,
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate.
Cows are bummed.
He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy,
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi -
Cows with guns.
Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door,
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor,
Run, cows, run!
He picked up a bullhorn, jumped up on the hay,
"We are free roving bovines, we run free more...