Glue Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    TONS of Groaners...

    Hot 2 years ago

    Q: What's red and goes up and down?
    A: A tomato in an elevator.
    Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
    A: We have to stick together.
    Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
    A: Hello, hello.
    Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
    A: A bulldoser.
    Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
    A: When he steals a base.
    Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
    A: You make me flip my lid.
    Q: What is a volcano?
    A: A mountain with the hiccups.
    Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
    A: The letter "g".
    Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
    A: He called a toe truck.
    Q: Why do two skunks argue?
    A: Because they like to kick up a stink.
    Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
    A: You can count on me.
    Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
    A: Put them in a barking lot.
    Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
    A: He more...

    Hi Erma,

    This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

    By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

    Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the more...

    1. Bicycle handle grips.
    2. French tickler animals.
    3. Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
    4. Put one on a light bulb for mood lighting.
    5. Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
    6. Get 1000 and make a submarine.
    7. Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
    8. Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
    9. Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
    10. Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
    11. Water wings for those non-swimmers.
    12. Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.
    13. Jello molds.
    14. Finger puppets.
    15. A wind sock.
    16. Use as a bobber when fishing.
    17. Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.
    18. Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
    19. Suspenders.
    20. Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)
    21. Small animal muzzle.
    22. Put them on your more...

    A man was staying over at a farmer's house for the night.
    However, the farmer warned: "My daughter is sleeping in the room next door. I'm going to put a wall of eggs around her bed to make sure that you don't go near her, understand?"
    The man nodded weakly, for she saw the daughter and noticed she was very beautiful.
    That night, the man crept into the daughter's room, and sure enough, there was a wall of eggs surrounding her bed. Alas, the daughter's beauty was too much for the man, and he pushed through the wall of eggs and made love to her.
    Once they were finished, the man took out a mop and cleaned the mess up. He then used super glue to glue the eggs back together and restack them. He then went back to his room.
    The next day, the farmer inspected the wall of eggs. He congratulated the man and celebrated with an egg feast. But when he took an egg off the wall and cracked it open, nothing came out.
    The farmer groaned, "Not again."

    Advice on baby care - your questions answered.
    (From a Nutworks post by Jon Partington)
    QUESTION. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by a Helium balloon that we have bought him. It is called Mr Smiley and has a smiling face on one side, with the words 'Don't worry'. He keeps playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting the balloon rise again. However what is worrying me is that he seems more interested in Mr Smiley than he is in me: also he seems to resemble Mr Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of wind, and smiles a lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my wife has committed adultery with Mr Smiley, & the baby is not my son at all?
    ANSWER. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr Smiley because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up and down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a politician running for office, Maybe.
    QUESTION. My baby is only one month old and can more...

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